Reflecting on the past, owning our mistakes, and acknowledging behaviors we no longer want to maintain is healthy. It means we’re growing and adapting, evolving into the versions of ourselves we want to be moving forward.

We’ve learned from our past and we’re ready to move forward with open eyes and the lessons learned guiding us.

But what happens when the reflections are no longer beneficial, and instead of being used to guide us, they’re used to hold us in a place of self-judgment, embarrassment, and well, shame?

Ah, Shame. The wolf in sheep’s clothing of human emotions.

It tries to assure us it’s beneficial. Tries to show off as if it’s teaching us a lesson about ourselves while truly making us live a reflective life full of negative emotions.

At the core of shame is a mix of other emotions. Embarrassment if you did something public, or that you never wanted others to see. Guilt over your actions if they caused harm to another, or to yourself. For everyone, shame causes a combination of negative emotions that ultimately leaves us in a reflective spiral.

But at the core of shame, we’re not just feeling guilty or embarrassed over our actions, shame brings to the forefront a questioning and judgment of our entire being.

Why did I ever do something so silly, or stupid? Why would I ever think that was acceptable? How can I ever show my face again? What are people going to think of me? How can I ever think of myself in a positive light again? I’m horrible, I’m worthless, etc.

It can also be less obvious in the way we view things we’ve done as “cringy” or in the way we try to forget or ignore our past in the hopes that we can pretend it never happened.  

Shame is powerful and can pop up when we least expect it. But also, it’s kind of pointless.

You can learn from your actions alone without bringing into question your entire existence as a human being.

With guilt, let’s say you’re running late to a friend’s very important performance that you  PROMISED them you’d be on time for, and the reason is that you chose to watch an extra episode of your favorite show. You show up late, they get mad because you KNEW how important it was to them for you to see the whole thing. You feel this immediate reaction to them being upset that makes you feel apologetic and like you could have chosen better in that moment when you hit play on that final episode.

Good ole guilt.

Why is that negative feeling beneficial? Because hopefully, seeing them upset means next time you’ll utilize your time better and won’t upset them in the same way. You won’t make the same mistake twice. You make a promise to yourself, that moving forward, I prioritize my friends over my entertainment in that moment. My show could have waited, but my friends once in a lifetime performance could not. We apologize, we give them space to be mad at us (as they have a right to be) and we move forward, never to make the same decision again.

Shame goes a step further. Instead of acknowledging our mistakes, accepting them as a bad decision, or a misstep, we spiral.

I’m a horrible friend. How could I ever do something so stupid? I knew if I watched that show I wasn’t going to make it, why would I ever do something like that?

That can continue for hours, days, or even years after the incident. We don’t learn from it and move on; it sits with us for our darkest moments when everything we’ve ever done wrong decides to appear.

But again, that’s pointless. You’re a human being. You’re not going to be perfect. Contrary to what so many people tell you, the lessons you learn in life don’t have to be painful. They can simply just be lessons.

Sometimes we need those moments that embarrass us or make us feel guilty. Those moments shape us into the humans we are today and teach us who we want to be moving forward. Why should you feel ashamed of that? Who you are now is pretty great, and who you will be 5, 10, 15 years from now will be even better. We’ll be wiser and make decisions that we can proudly stand by. Even then we might make some mistakes we’re not proud of, but we don’t always have to be proud of our decisions. Sometimes a decision is just a decision. We do our best with the information we have at the time, and we choose. No matter what, we must acknowledge them, accept them, learn from them, and move on.

This is our first time figuring out this thing we call life. Whether we’re in our teenage years, or partying it up in our 70’s, there’s always going to be more to learn and discover.

Don’t ever feel ashamed of your past. It was exactly what you were meant to do, exactly what you were meant to experience to become the person you are now, and that’s pretty cool.

Don’t forget to give yourself grace as you learn, and occasionally remind yourself, YOU GOT THIS.