Growing up, I was always told that “love is unconditional.”

This meant you loved someone and stood by their side no matter what they did, who they were, or how they behaved. You loved them because you loved them. It was an uncontrollable emotion that was.

As I get older and redefine what love and relationships look like to me, I realize that belief is deceiving.

Love can be a mix of things.

It’s not always an emotion that overtakes your body and soul like an electric charge to your pulse, it can build slowly over time. It can be a choice, a type of love developed by going through life together and standing by each other’s sides.

It can be a mutual care based on respect, common interests or beliefs, and a shared view of life or shared sense of humor. It can be an appreciation for the existence of another human being. You can love and care for another human, simply because you do and wish for them the best.

When I say love is unconditional, I mean that I love people in their entirety, including the qualities that we wouldn’t societally frame as “positive.” I love them the same way I love myself. I SUCK, at doing the dishes on time, and I am not the best texter or phone answerer. I can get stuck with my head in the clouds and sometimes find it hard to come back to earth. I get anxious and depressed, but those things don’t make me any less lovable.

THAT is unconditional love to me. Loving someone for exactly who they are.

The “love” I was attracting from others wasn’t love at all. The “love” I felt was a love they had for controlling me, putting me down, or taking advantage of my lack of boundaries.

When I took a step back, I realized I had always accepted horrible treatment or kept people in my life who didn’t align with the values that I had. As an excuse, I would say “love is unconditional.” I thought that when you love someone, you keep them in your life no matter what. Wasn’t cutting them off conditional? How could I truly love someone unconditionally if I was unwilling to have them in my life? Isn’t that the definition of conditional?

Unconditional love is NOT letting someone disrespect or walk all over you. It’s not giving someone permission to hurt you again and again. It’s not sacrificing yourself for them over and over. It’s not ignoring your own needs or boundaries to keep someone in your life.

What I had for most of my life were unconditional relationships, and relationships should be conditional.

Relationships are built on so much more than emotion. Whether it’s platonic or romantic, relationships should be built on mutual respect. A respect of boundaries, respect of opinions, and respect of another’s choice on how they live their lives. They’re built on healthy communication, and two people coming together to build the relationship together.

Healthy relationships take intentionality, effort, and a mutual desire to contribute positively to another person’s life.

A relationship should never cause you harm or pain. You might get your emotions hurt sometimes, but you should never question whether you are respected, truly loved, or cared for.

When you have the time, take a minute to reflect on all the relationships in your life. Ask yourself, what are my expectations for those relationships? Are they contributing to my life in a positive way? Do they respect me and my choices? Do they bring me joy or excitement without causing me pain? Do they provide me with insight into life or advice that I wouldn’t trade for the world? Do we share similar passions or hobbies?

Remind yourself that you can love unconditionally, and still respect your boundaries and expectations enough to only have conditional relationships. It doesn’t mean you love any less, it just means you love yourself enough to not settle for anything that doesn’t add to your life. It means you love yourself enough to remove the things from your life that are harming you, no matter how much you love them. It means you love yourself enough to only accept the love you can give.

Never doubt what you deserve.

You got this.